society

Why I started dancing with BCU Burlesque….

I’m quite a shy girl and for anyone as introverted as me…. Burlesque dancing probably seems like the last thing you’d ever consider doing.Β  Well… I did it and despite recent criticism for doing so, I don’t plan on quitting.

I used to enjoy dancing a long time ago… almost 7 years ago to be exact. Contemporary dance was my favourite topic in PE in school but I never had the guts to join any classes or do any shows out of fear of being the “fat one.”

I lost confidence in a lot of things once I reached GCSEs… dancing, drama, swimming etc. and all that is probably partially to blame for my dramatic five stone weight gain in the space of three months at the beginning of college.

This year, as I have mentioned several times in recent posts I began my PCOS/Hyperglycemic weightloss battle and as well as changing my eating habits, I wanted to exercise more so I decided dance would be a fun way to do that. I had heard a lot about the BCU Burlesque society in my first year and even saw some of them dance at a media event in the summer. I wanted so much to be a part of that but being a very self-conscious person… dancing in my underwear seemed a bit dauntingΒ  (and I think my old fashioned parents would have a heart attack at the thought of it).

Initially, I messaged a girl called Ella Stone to ask her about the society. I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t going to get looked down on for being on the curvy side and she was very reassuring that the group would welcome me so I went along to the first session in September and absolutely adored it.

The guys and girls were very supportive and were all about dragging that sexy alter-ego we all have somewhere inside of us to the surface. Not only has this group helped me so much in bringing my weight down, they’ve brought out a confidence in me that I didn’t even know I had (I still need to work on not looking at the floor too much as pointed out by Lene in last weeks session).

A few weeks ago I performed for the first time in front of people in the Sweet and Sinful show and despite almost slipping over on my high heels multiple times during rehearsal, I made it through the show without landing on my backside!

I even had the confidence to get photos taken on the night (which I got a great response to on Instagram and Facebook, ayyy!)

Here are some of the shots from the night with credit and a massive thank you to the very talented @csbbphotos. Search for her on Facebook and Instagram.

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Porn is dangerous…

Most women are no stranger to dealing with creepy men on the internet. I, for one, have had to argue with my fair share, due to the fact that large chested women like me are often seen as nothing more than a nice cleavage to stare into.

I’m used to the comments about my ‘nice tits’ and ‘blowjob lips’, I am no stranger to those. I am not saying that those comments are okay in any way. I’ve just heard them so many times from creepy lost souls who have found their way into my messages that it has now ceased to bother me. These men just seem to think that any woman who posts a selfie on the internet is after their sexual attention… excuse me fellas, I was just having a good eyeliner day.

Although, men seem to think that these comments are okay, I had diluded myself into thinking that men still had some boundaries (even if they are far apart from ours.) To my horror… I received this the other night.

I had dated this guy for a very short time (upon discovering he was a homophobe towards gay men but fetishises lesbians, I really wanted to forget he existed.)  Unfortunately I had made the discovery of his out-of-date attidudes, after sharing a bed with him twice, which is why I felt even worse about recieving this text.

As you can see by the screenshot, I did tell him he was fantasizing about raping me but he tried to justify his actions by claiming he didn’t know it was rape because he had seen it on a porn site.

PORN IS FAKE!!!! Lads, I can’t stress that point enough. Porn is acting, the only reason why it’s not rape on there is because the actress isn’t really asleep. If you were to do something to a woman or anyone for that matter while they were asleep, that is rape. They are not awake to consent.

The porn industry is hugely problematic and does desensitize young people but the guy who was texting me was older than me. He should know better.

So far, in the last few weeks I have seen news stories about a woman who was raped in her sleep by her husband, who recorded it on his phone and a 12 year old boy who raped his 4 year old sister during games of hide and seek, where police had also found porn on his phone. It’s just plain disgusting and shouldn’t happen. Non-consensual sex should not be glorified in any form of media and grown men should know better.

I will always be that chubby girl in a crop top…

I lack confidence in many things and part of me honestly believes that my anxiety will come and take away everything I love eventually. Once upon a time, I loved drama and performing arts but now if I even think about acting or dancing, my stomach feels like it rolls over. Not good.

My body is something that I have always struggled to accept but not consistently. Some days I’ll wake up with an attitude like “wow, so curvy today. Looking fine. Kylie Jenner can eat her heart out because you didn’t need to pay thousands for full lips like those.” Then I have my bad days, where I just look in the mirror and wonder why a fat mess like me is even allowed to leave the house. It is as if my body confidence issues have mood swings of their own.

People rarely see that side of me though. I only choose to let people know about my insecure days when they are so bad that I just lie in bed making myself cry. If I’m around people, I tend to make a lot of fat jokes about myself as if I think I’m beating them to it. Being told that I would struggle to lose weight because of my PCOS only seemed to make it worse as on the days where I feel less confident I feel like there’s no way of making myself feel better.

That being said… I’m currently a UK size 14 clothing and once, I was a size 8 but even back then I had a tummy. I still thought I was fat. Ridiculous, right? The thing is, if you are truly unhappy with your body image, it actually isn’t your body that’s the problem. It’s your mind. You can’t fix your body to fix your mind, that’s not how it works. If I was as unhappy with a size 8 as I am at size 14 then I won’t be happy no matter what I do. It’s sort of like being in the mind of someone who suffers from anorexia, without you actually starving yourself. You see flaws that aren’t there.

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But like I said… I have good days. Some days I can wear a tight dress and walk out of the house feeling like a queen. Recently, I purchased a tiny black cropped top to wear on a girls night out. I’m the biggest girl in my group… oops! I saw it in New Look and I fell in love. I just had to buy it.

Despite my body issues, I’ve never actually been one to buy into that whole “dress for your size” lark. I’ll wear whatever I like to, whether it’s cropped or not. Even on my insecure days.

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So, when the day came to actually wearing the cropped top, it did happen to be on one of my bad days. I was crying in bed over my weight at 2 pm but I was out slaying a cropped top and leggings by 9 pm. Talk about mood swings?

I did get a lot of mixed reactions with some people remarking about “what kind of plus-size clothing store sells cropped tops to us bigger girls” but I did get a lot of compliments which made me feel much better about my decision. A few girls said that I had a “great, curvy woman’s figure”Β  and someone even said they admired my confidence at being able to show the top of my tummy. Some girls (more than guys, surprisingly) complimented my breasts, I do rock the cleavage when I feel like it.

I have let my anxiety and self-image take far too much away from me, my dress sense won’t be one of them. I rocked that cropped top just as much as a rock baggy tees and sweat pants. Society needs to learn to deal with that.

See, being that chubby girl in a cropped top isn’t such a bad thing, even if all your friends have tiny waists.

Be the curve queen of your group!