PCOS

I will always be that chubby girl in a crop top…

I lack confidence in many things and part of me honestly believes that my anxiety will come and take away everything I love eventually. Once upon a time, I loved drama and performing arts but now if I even think about acting or dancing, my stomach feels like it rolls over. Not good.

My body is something that I have always struggled to accept but not consistently. Some days I’ll wake up with an attitude like “wow, so curvy today. Looking fine. Kylie Jenner can eat her heart out because you didn’t need to pay thousands for full lips like those.” Then I have my bad days, where I just look in the mirror and wonder why a fat mess like me is even allowed to leave the house. It is as if my body confidence issues have mood swings of their own.

People rarely see that side of me though. I only choose to let people know about my insecure days when they are so bad that I just lie in bed making myself cry. If I’m around people, I tend to make a lot of fat jokes about myself as if I think I’m beating them to it. Being told that I would struggle to lose weight because of my PCOS only seemed to make it worse as on the days where I feel less confident I feel like there’s no way of making myself feel better.

That being said… I’m currently a UK size 14 clothing and once, I was a size 8 but even back then I had a tummy. I still thought I was fat. Ridiculous, right? The thing is, if you are truly unhappy with your body image, it actually isn’t your body that’s the problem. It’s your mind. You can’t fix your body to fix your mind, that’s not how it works. If I was as unhappy with a size 8 as I am at size 14 then I won’t be happy no matter what I do. It’s sort of like being in the mind of someone who suffers from anorexia, without you actually starving yourself. You see flaws that aren’t there.

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But like I said… I have good days. Some days I can wear a tight dress and walk out of the house feeling like a queen. Recently, I purchased a tiny black cropped top to wear on a girls night out. I’m the biggest girl in my group… oops! I saw it in New Look and I fell in love. I just had to buy it.

Despite my body issues, I’ve never actually been one to buy into that whole “dress for your size” lark. I’ll wear whatever I like to, whether it’s cropped or not. Even on my insecure days.

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So, when the day came to actually wearing the cropped top, it did happen to be on one of my bad days. I was crying in bed over my weight at 2 pm but I was out slaying a cropped top and leggings by 9 pm. Talk about mood swings?

I did get a lot of mixed reactions with some people remarking about “what kind of plus-size clothing store sells cropped tops to us bigger girls” but I did get a lot of compliments which made me feel much better about my decision. A few girls said that I had a “great, curvy woman’s figure”  and someone even said they admired my confidence at being able to show the top of my tummy. Some girls (more than guys, surprisingly) complimented my breasts, I do rock the cleavage when I feel like it.

I have let my anxiety and self-image take far too much away from me, my dress sense won’t be one of them. I rocked that cropped top just as much as a rock baggy tees and sweat pants. Society needs to learn to deal with that.

See, being that chubby girl in a cropped top isn’t such a bad thing, even if all your friends have tiny waists.

Be the curve queen of your group!

 

The best fitness advice that considers PCOS sufferers

I have been diagnosed with PCOS for almost two years and I am still battling to lose weight. I have read up on the illness so much and followed every diet in the book but everything seemed impossible. I’ve looked for advice everywhere and yet… the best advice I have came across has actually came from a man.

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FJamesSmithTraining%2Fvideos%2F1163896110382003%2F&show_text=1&width=560

Just give the video a watch and you’ll see how much sense it makes!

PCOS Uncensored – The Acne And Body Hair Struggle

OH YEAH… How attractive?! Well… deal with it. The acne and the body hair struggle is incredibly real when you’re a woman with PCOS and trust me, ladies, I feel you.

Acne is commonly associated with the hormonal changes in teens during puberty but when you have PCOS, the struggle with acne can follow you all the way to menopause. Thick and excess body and facial hair are also a side effect of PCOS’s hormonal imbalance as the cysts of the ovaries are being created by an increase in male hormones in women, leading them to grow hair the way a man does.

If it wasn’t bad enough that infertility made you feel like less of a woman, you’re charmingly f*cked up hormones have thrown you into a life where no product you try and wash your face with will ever take the acne away and you probably grow a better beard and mustache than your boyfriend. Sad times.

I have recently been given a set of products by Arbonne to try for my acne (I will review it and let you all know how it goes, but I don’t hold out any high hopes).

The hair, though, well that’s obviously a lot harder for me to hide from the world and to be honest other people noticed it back in school when I was 14 before I had even seen my mustache growing in. Urgh. But, hey, at least whenever I get catcalled I can safely say I have a higher testosterone level than those creeps right?

I work hard to take care of my skin and hide my flaws from the world but sometimes it just gets a little bit exhausting. To be honest, though, my facial hair isn’t as thick as some women with PCOS, my main issue with hair is the fact that my leg hair grows faster than I can say my own name. I’m lazy. I hate having to shave all the time.

Sometimes I see articles and videos on facebook and in the news in which women have learned to love these so-called “imperfections” and I’m not going to lie… I get jealous. I wish I could love myself like that but unfortunately, I am still in the stages of trying to understand tat this is the way I am.

Does anyone else feel like that?

 

 

PCOS Uncensored – Infertility Fears

That’s right, I’m returning to this topic again. Mainly because the fear of infertility has hit me hard over the past few weeks with family and friends announcing pregnancies and in some cases, some very unfortunate miscarriages.

As I’m sure I have mentioned before, children were always a part of my future plans and always will be which is why I feel like I don’t belong in any man’s future (read more here). There are obvious reasons why this fear is so prominent in my life from issues I have with my own body or my family’s expectations of me.

I’m so disappointed in my own body that I don’t feel very womanly at times. – This is a very brutal opinion to hold over yourself and it isn’t made easier by comments from friends and family, asking if you’re transgender because you produce more male hormones than you should.

The whole hormone thing is a factor but it isn’t all that is wrong with the view I have of my own body. I have always wanted to be a mother, ever since the first time I held a baby Annabelle doll as a child. I’ve always wanted to have a family that will be better than the dysfunctional household that I was born into. When I found out I had PCOS… my hopes had gone.

There were always two things I wanted to be in life, a writer, and a mother. I’m already doing the writing thing, I just need the babies.  I had always wanted to be a mother of three and now I feel as though I would be lucky if I even had one.

The reason why PCOS has destroyed the way I view my body as a woman is because I see that my body doesn’t function in the same way as a “normal” woman. I feel like less of a woman because I can’t carry children, which for some reason my head tells me that I am meant to do. Women with PCOS are more than likely to have miscarriages, with the rate being at 45-50% whereas women without the condition have the rate of 15-25%. PCOS is also the most common cause of infertility in women.

The way I see it my life can one of two ways: My mother had her own two children (including me, YEY!), naturally but my Auntie was not so fortunate, as she was unable to have children and later became a foster carer.

My mother’s story gives me hope but I could go the path that my Auntie’s life took which would disappoint me greatly. It’s not that I wouldn’t love an adopted or foster child any differently, it’s the fact that I would never go through pregnancy. I want to know how it feels with a bump.

I do get very bad “bump envy” when I see those posts on my facebook feed.

I know there is still hope for me, I just need happy thoughts and a sprinkle of baby dust.

 

 

PCOS Uncensored – My First Period Induction

TMI WARNING

I KNOW MANY PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE “EWWW” BUT PCOS NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT AND SOMEONE HAS TO BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHARE THERE EXPERIENCES SO IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, DON’T READ IT!

(more…)

10 Annoying Things in (MOST) PCOS Support Groups

As today marks the last day of PCOS awareness month, I thought I’d share some of my experiences with the subject… in particular, the so-called “support” network that is offered on social media platforms such as Facebook.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes support groups are just what you need and some of the groups I have been a part of on Facebook were excellent. I was once a part of various support groups after I got my diagnosis on the 14th September 2015 but earlier this summer, I left them all. So I have gathered a list of 10 annoying things that contributed to my decision to leave these groups.


1. Sales

We will have all seen sales representatives for these products on Instagram and Facebook. They have a nasty habit on praying on people with weight problems that have been caused by PCOS. I would often get messaged by people on Instagram and Facebook claiming that these products could “cure” me. Pft, the doctors can’t find a cure for this so what makes you think that you have some magical cure, found in a product that everyone is aware is a money grabbing scam?

These products won’t help you ladies, stick to clean eating, exercise and balancing those hormones.

2. Contradictory Encouragement

This one did seriously grind my gears. Everyone in those groups are fighting the same battle and most women do struggle to stick to clean eating without the right kind of support network. This is why I didn’t understand why when people are trying to gather the strength to resist their hormonal cravings for sugary foods did some people encourage them to cheat on their diet? They do realise the cravings get worse when you give in to temptation, right?

3. The Admins That Were “Above-All-Others”

One of the biggest PCOS support groups I was a member of has this issue. Their admins had gained a high Facebook, Twitter and Instagram following which led them to dictate over everything – some women had their Diet Bet posts removed just because the admins wanted everyone to bet with them. Then they had the nerve to call the people who had their posts removed ‘childish’. HAHA! OKAY! I DIDN’T REALISE YOU LADIES ARE QUEEN OF THE OVARIES!

4. Your Story Is Not About You Anymore!

You get this from people in everyday life but I thought I’d throw this in the list anyways. You could write a huge post describing your diagnosis and your struggle and I can guarantee some one will come along and compete with you on a level of how hard your struggle is. Come on ladies, everyone’s symptoms are different.

5. Everyone is SO HORMONAL!

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Mood swings. All girls have them but ironically our high levels of male hormones seem to make us more emotionally unstable… so… we set each other off when we get our knickers in a twist. Too many arguments when you’re getting advised by doctors who don’t know what they are talking about, that you need to relax more to be able to have a period. Am I right?

6. Stupid Advice

There had been several occasions where I have been given the same advice for pretty much everything I asked in the group. My personal favourites are:

“Get yourself to A&E straight away!”

“Take a pregnancy test!”

Going to A&E over cramps… They’d laugh in my face.

As for taking a pregnancy test… I don’t produce eggs so I’d love to know where this baby is going to sprout from.

7. Your Symptoms Are Wrong!

PCOS can be a very difficult thing to get your head around and their are many symptoms to look out for such as:

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I have many of these symptoms but not all of them. As different women have different hormone levels their symptoms vary. Different women can have a different ‘cocktail’ of symptoms but many women in these groups don’t accept this and  claim your symptoms have nothing to do with PCOS when they really do.

There is also a lot of suggestions for vitamins, supplements and prescribed medication but always check with your GP and Gynaecologist because although these treatments might work for one person, they might not necessarily work for you.

8. They Will Bring You Down!

This isn’t all the women in the groups but I had seen a few women who would bring people down because they aren’t as collected and in control of their symptoms as others. It will make you feel weak and useless (and will definitely belittle your femininity).

So much for the “support and positivity” right?

9. Self-Love Posts

On occasions these are great – especially the no make-up ones but when people say that the ‘no make-up selfie’ posts are shaming women who wear make-up… it gets a bit annoying.

10. Jealousy

The groups are full of it and sometimes it’s so bad that women with success stories, such as pregnancies are asked not to post about them in the group because it ‘upsets other women’. I’d understand them being upset if it was a woman with perfectly functioning ovaries getting pregnant but these are women going through the same battle as us. Surely this is hope for the rest of us that should be celebrated? Right?


Anyway, that’s my rant over but I will leave links to the groups I found the most helpful below.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/165471893828128/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/485179391668144/