new look

“I wasn’t ill because I was fat… I was fat because I was ill.”

I have blogged a lot about my weight-loss over the last 9 months and my struggles with getting that smaller waist due to PCOS.Β  Call me stupid… but despite almost being at my goal weight, ‘fat-shamers’ on the internet still piss me off because they think that bullying and belittling someone for their weight will help them fight it… don’t be so stupid guys.

For a start… you can’t fix your body to fix your mind, as I have said in a previous post. You need to love yourself if you want to be able to make a change and take care of yourself properly… why would you want to care for a body you hate? Exactly, you wouldn’t… so how exactly did you think that making someone hate their body will help? If anything, even if they did try, your years of damage from calling them fat will probably result in them being unable to see any results. Body dysmorphia is a very real thing and I can tell you that the second someone calls me fat, I see myself as the 5 stone heavier woman I was in September 2017.

The next thing is where I point out the biggest flaw in the statement ‘just lose weight’…

I tried for three years to get my weight back down to a healthy weight after my HORMONAL IMBALANCE caused by my ILLNESS made my INSULIN mess up and resulted in me gain 5 stone in the short space of three months. The most I was ever able to lose in that time was 2 pounds. 2 pounds after going the the gym 3-5 days a week and clean eating, it was pathetic. I was still sugar crashing every afternoon and my weight barely budged.

I begged and pleaded with doctors, crying in their offices and was always told to ‘just try harder’ before eventually, 3 years later I was diagnosed with PCOS and sent to see a specialist dietician who diagnosed me with Insulin Resistance (Hyperglycemia), eventually this will result in me having Type 2 diabetes. Only then was I be able to have the answer and get the results I want… even then, it’s not without its struggles. Low GI diets are beyond restrictive and unreasonable, not everyone can commit to it if they have such a busy, eat-on-the-go type of life style.

After seeing New Look’s Fat Tax (which I am 100000000% disgusted by despite the fact that I’m not effected by it) I was shocked to see that many people are so uneducated when it comes to the human body. Dieting is not a ‘one-size-fits-all’ solution… every persons body works differently, needs different things and has varied metabolisms and if you can’t understand why some people can’t ‘just loose weight’ then keep your comments well away from the internet… There are millions of people out there struggling with their weight because of hormonal imbalances etc. and everyone is on a journey, if they haven’t found the right path for them yet then it’s no ones business but there’s and companies like New Look have no right to charge anyone for that.

I didn’t get ill because I was fat, I got fat because I was ill. A hormonal change in me caused problems with my insulin which meant the food I used to be able to process, I couldn’t any more. So, just so you’re aware here are a list of mental and physical illness/body changes that make someone struggle with weight, just to make it clearer for you all:

  • Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)
  • Hyperthyroidism
  • Gastroesophageal reflux disease
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Gestational diabetes
  • Prolactinoma
  • Persistent depressive disorder
  • Menopause
  • Pregancany
  • Generalized anxiety disorder
  • Cushing’s syndrome

I will always be that chubby girl in a crop top…

I lack confidence in many things and part of me honestly believes that my anxiety will come and take away everything I love eventually. Once upon a time, I loved drama and performing arts but now if I even think about acting or dancing, my stomach feels like it rolls over. Not good.

My body is something that I have always struggled to accept but not consistently. Some days I’ll wake up with an attitude like “wow, so curvy today. Looking fine. Kylie Jenner can eat her heart out because you didn’t need to pay thousands for full lips like those.” Then I have my bad days, where I just look in the mirror and wonder why a fat mess like me is even allowed to leave the house. It is as if my body confidence issues have mood swings of their own.

People rarely see that side of me though. I only choose to let people know about my insecure days when they are so bad that I just lie in bed making myself cry. If I’m around people, I tend to make a lot of fat jokes about myself as if I think I’m beating them to it. Being told that I would struggle to lose weight because of my PCOS only seemed to make it worse as on the days where I feel less confident I feel like there’s no way of making myself feel better.

That being said… I’m currently a UK size 14 clothing and once, I was a size 8 but even back then I had a tummy. I still thought I was fat. Ridiculous, right? The thing is, if you are truly unhappy with your body image, it actually isn’t your body that’s the problem. It’s your mind. You can’t fix your body to fix your mind, that’s not how it works. If I was as unhappy with a size 8 as I am at size 14 then I won’t be happy no matter what I do. It’s sort of like being in the mind of someone who suffers from anorexia, without you actually starving yourself. You see flaws that aren’t there.


But like I said… I have good days. Some days I can wear a tight dress and walk out of the house feeling like a queen. Recently, I purchased a tiny black cropped top to wear on a girls night out. I’m the biggest girl in my group… oops! I saw it in New Look and I fell in love. I just had to buy it.

Despite my body issues, I’ve never actually been one to buy into that whole “dress for your size” lark. I’ll wear whatever I like to, whether it’s cropped or not. Even on my insecure days.


So, when the day came to actually wearing the cropped top, it did happen to be on one of my bad days. I was crying in bed over my weight at 2 pm but I was out slaying a cropped top and leggings by 9 pm. Talk about mood swings?

I did get a lot of mixed reactions with some people remarking about “what kind of plus-size clothing store sells cropped tops to us bigger girls” but I did get a lot of compliments which made me feel much better about my decision. A few girls said that I had a “great, curvy woman’s figure”Β  and someone even said they admired my confidence at being able to show the top of my tummy. Some girls (more than guys, surprisingly) complimented my breasts, I do rock the cleavage when I feel like it.

I have let my anxiety and self-image take far too much away from me, my dress sense won’t be one of them. I rocked that cropped top just as much as a rock baggy tees and sweat pants. Society needs to learn to deal with that.

See, being that chubby girl in a cropped top isn’t such a bad thing, even if all your friends have tiny waists.

Be the curve queen of your group!