body image

PCOS Awareness 2017 – The blog post catch up!

September is PCOS awareness month and during the course of this month, I will be doing daily blog posts about different aspects of the illness. This is today’s post and I wanted to use it to link you to posts I have done in the past about it before I start writing new content. So here they are below:

Happy reading cysters. xx

Advertisements

I will always be that chubby girl in a crop top…

I lack confidence in many things and part of me honestly believes that my anxiety will come and take away everything I love eventually. Once upon a time, I loved drama and performing arts but now if I even think about acting or dancing, my stomach feels like it rolls over. Not good.

My body is something that I have always struggled to accept but not consistently. Some days I’ll wake up with an attitude like “wow, so curvy today. Looking fine. Kylie Jenner can eat her heart out because you didn’t need to pay thousands for full lips like those.” Then I have my bad days, where I just look in the mirror and wonder why a fat mess like me is even allowed to leave the house. It is as if my body confidence issues have mood swings of their own.

People rarely see that side of me though. I only choose to let people know about my insecure days when they are so bad that I just lie in bed making myself cry. If I’m around people, I tend to make a lot of fat jokes about myself as if I think I’m beating them to it. Being told that I would struggle to lose weight because of my PCOS only seemed to make it worse as on the days where I feel less confident I feel like there’s no way of making myself feel better.

That being said… I’m currently a UK size 14 clothing and once, I was a size 8 but even back then I had a tummy. I still thought I was fat. Ridiculous, right? The thing is, if you are truly unhappy with your body image, it actually isn’t your body that’s the problem. It’s your mind. You can’t fix your body to fix your mind, that’s not how it works. If I was as unhappy with a size 8 as I am at size 14 then I won’t be happy no matter what I do. It’s sort of like being in the mind of someone who suffers from anorexia, without you actually starving yourself. You see flaws that aren’t there.

20526178_557262364623966_7751533303023937661_n

But like I said… I have good days. Some days I can wear a tight dress and walk out of the house feeling like a queen. Recently, I purchased a tiny black cropped top to wear on a girls night out. I’m the biggest girl in my group… oops! I saw it in New Look and I fell in love. I just had to buy it.

Despite my body issues, I’ve never actually been one to buy into that whole “dress for your size” lark. I’ll wear whatever I like to, whether it’s cropped or not. Even on my insecure days.

20155752_548710715479131_9179590110486303141_n

So, when the day came to actually wearing the cropped top, it did happen to be on one of my bad days. I was crying in bed over my weight at 2 pm but I was out slaying a cropped top and leggings by 9 pm. Talk about mood swings?

I did get a lot of mixed reactions with some people remarking about “what kind of plus-size clothing store sells cropped tops to us bigger girls” but I did get a lot of compliments which made me feel much better about my decision. A few girls said that I had a “great, curvy woman’s figure”  and someone even said they admired my confidence at being able to show the top of my tummy. Some girls (more than guys, surprisingly) complimented my breasts, I do rock the cleavage when I feel like it.

I have let my anxiety and self-image take far too much away from me, my dress sense won’t be one of them. I rocked that cropped top just as much as a rock baggy tees and sweat pants. Society needs to learn to deal with that.

See, being that chubby girl in a cropped top isn’t such a bad thing, even if all your friends have tiny waists.

Be the curve queen of your group!

 

PCOS Uncensored – Infertility Fears

That’s right, I’m returning to this topic again. Mainly because the fear of infertility has hit me hard over the past few weeks with family and friends announcing pregnancies and in some cases, some very unfortunate miscarriages.

As I’m sure I have mentioned before, children were always a part of my future plans and always will be which is why I feel like I don’t belong in any man’s future (read more here). There are obvious reasons why this fear is so prominent in my life from issues I have with my own body or my family’s expectations of me.

I’m so disappointed in my own body that I don’t feel very womanly at times. – This is a very brutal opinion to hold over yourself and it isn’t made easier by comments from friends and family, asking if you’re transgender because you produce more male hormones than you should.

The whole hormone thing is a factor but it isn’t all that is wrong with the view I have of my own body. I have always wanted to be a mother, ever since the first time I held a baby Annabelle doll as a child. I’ve always wanted to have a family that will be better than the dysfunctional household that I was born into. When I found out I had PCOS… my hopes had gone.

There were always two things I wanted to be in life, a writer, and a mother. I’m already doing the writing thing, I just need the babies.  I had always wanted to be a mother of three and now I feel as though I would be lucky if I even had one.

The reason why PCOS has destroyed the way I view my body as a woman is because I see that my body doesn’t function in the same way as a “normal” woman. I feel like less of a woman because I can’t carry children, which for some reason my head tells me that I am meant to do. Women with PCOS are more than likely to have miscarriages, with the rate being at 45-50% whereas women without the condition have the rate of 15-25%. PCOS is also the most common cause of infertility in women.

The way I see it my life can one of two ways: My mother had her own two children (including me, YEY!), naturally but my Auntie was not so fortunate, as she was unable to have children and later became a foster carer.

My mother’s story gives me hope but I could go the path that my Auntie’s life took which would disappoint me greatly. It’s not that I wouldn’t love an adopted or foster child any differently, it’s the fact that I would never go through pregnancy. I want to know how it feels with a bump.

I do get very bad “bump envy” when I see those posts on my facebook feed.

I know there is still hope for me, I just need happy thoughts and a sprinkle of baby dust.