Anxiety

I will always be that chubby girl in a crop top…

I lack confidence in many things and part of me honestly believes that my anxiety will come and take away everything I love eventually. Once upon a time, I loved drama and performing arts but now if I even think about acting or dancing, my stomach feels like it rolls over. Not good.

My body is something that I have always struggled to accept but not consistently. Some days I’ll wake up with an attitude like “wow, so curvy today. Looking fine. Kylie Jenner can eat her heart out because you didn’t need to pay thousands for full lips like those.” Then I have my bad days, where I just look in the mirror and wonder why a fat mess like me is even allowed to leave the house. It is as if my body confidence issues have mood swings of their own.

People rarely see that side of me though. I only choose to let people know about my insecure days when they are so bad that I just lie in bed making myself cry. If I’m around people, I tend to make a lot of fat jokes about myself as if I think I’m beating them to it. Being told that I would struggle to lose weight because of my PCOS only seemed to make it worse as on the days where I feel less confident I feel like there’s no way of making myself feel better.

That being said… I’m currently a UK size 14 clothing and once, I was a size 8 but even back then I had a tummy. I still thought I was fat. Ridiculous, right? The thing is, if you are truly unhappy with your body image, it actually isn’t your body that’s the problem. It’s your mind. You can’t fix your body to fix your mind, that’s not how it works. If I was as unhappy with a size 8 as I am at size 14 then I won’t be happy no matter what I do. It’s sort of like being in the mind of someone who suffers from anorexia, without you actually starving yourself. You see flaws that aren’t there.

20526178_557262364623966_7751533303023937661_n

But like I said… I have good days. Some days I can wear a tight dress and walk out of the house feeling like a queen. Recently, I purchased a tiny black cropped top to wear on a girls night out. I’m the biggest girl in my group… oops! I saw it in New Look and I fell in love. I just had to buy it.

Despite my body issues, I’ve never actually been one to buy into that whole “dress for your size” lark. I’ll wear whatever I like to, whether it’s cropped or not. Even on my insecure days.

20155752_548710715479131_9179590110486303141_n

So, when the day came to actually wearing the cropped top, it did happen to be on one of my bad days. I was crying in bed over my weight at 2 pm but I was out slaying a cropped top and leggings by 9 pm. Talk about mood swings?

I did get a lot of mixed reactions with some people remarking about “what kind of plus-size clothing store sells cropped tops to us bigger girls” but I did get a lot of compliments which made me feel much better about my decision. A few girls said that I had a “great, curvy woman’s figure”  and someone even said they admired my confidence at being able to show the top of my tummy. Some girls (more than guys, surprisingly) complimented my breasts, I do rock the cleavage when I feel like it.

I have let my anxiety and self-image take far too much away from me, my dress sense won’t be one of them. I rocked that cropped top just as much as a rock baggy tees and sweat pants. Society needs to learn to deal with that.

See, being that chubby girl in a cropped top isn’t such a bad thing, even if all your friends have tiny waists.

Be the curve queen of your group!

 

My first driving lesson!

I wanted to learn how to drive when I was 17… like most people my age would have done but I was denied the opportunity.

Recently, I did work experience for a local newspaper in my home town called the Sunderland Echo and during that time I was advised to learn how to drive. I was just going to ignore it as in the last three years my anxiety had convinced me not to bother as I would only crash or would be incapable of passing a test. Then I went out on some out of office work and for the first time I realised… I needed a car.

I really needed one.

So, I discussed the idea with my family and the offered to help me learn and today I had my first driving lesson.

I was advised to do my lessons and tests in a manual car rather than an automatic because if you learn in an automatic you will never be able to drive a manual car without relearning how to drive because you won’t understand the gears.

I wanted to try and get behind the wheel and see if my anxiety could handle it. I wanted to see if I would just give up but… I loved it. I want to learn even more now. I want to get out on the road.

The Silent Killers – Suffering From Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety is feeling like your friends don’t like you when you haven’t seen them for a while.

Depression is not going out when you have the choice to because you can’t face getting out of bed.

Anxiety is getting angry and frustrated when having to interact with others.

Depression is the crash after a good day when the darkness in your mind decides to come back.

Anxiety is the bad stomach you get when your scared of something that makes you sweat and vomit even when you aren’t ill.

Depression is being unable to stop crying until you become so dehydrated that you have a migraine.

Anxiety is the stammer that keeps you quiet when you need to talk to people.

Depression is the damage on the inside that makes you damage the outside.

Both are the negative voices that speak evil words making you feel unwanted.


This is how it is for me anyway… everyone who suffers is different. 

But everyone is wanted…

It’s just hard to listen to the positive voices when the evil ones keep screaming. 

I have OCD – Living With Dermatillomania

Dermatillomania. I can guarantee you have never heard of this. I didn’t until I was diagnosed.

“Dermatillomania is a condition where a person feels compelled to pick at their skin, to the point where it causes visible wounds.

It is an impulse-control disorder – a psychological condition where the person is unable to stop themselves carrying out a particular action.”

NHS

Dermatillomania is a very difficult thing to live with. I have lived like this since I was a child, without being officially diagnosed until I was 19 as my parents just dismissed it as a bad habit because they had never heard of the disorder.

The disorder is known to begin for various reasons but it is regarded as a form of OCD and self-harm. Tips for quitting include occupying your hands with something else and/or wearing gloves.

I have attempted this but I have come to realise that sometimes I don’t notice I’m doing it and if  I do resist my urges it makes me do it worse later, which as you can imagine, causes more damage.

I have been recommended therapy and antidepressants but the pills made me high and therapy is hard to get when you are living between two cities that are far apart so I guess it will have to wait until University is over.

I was incredibly ashamed of my hand before my diagnosis because I never understood why I couldn’t stop. I used to lie to people about what happened too. It was hard to grasp that I needed serious help.

The scarring makes me feel ugly. I feel like no one would want to hold my hand because they are disgracefully scarred.

I just thank God it’s not on my feet anymore. When I was a kid I used to do it to my feet to the point where it made it painful to walk.  Awful.

This is a little disappointing but I hope you understand…

As you all know, in exactly 2 weeks time I had my heart set on releasing my new novel: The Price Of Fabulous…

This is now going to be postponed until later this year. I am going to explain the reasons why, let’s just hope you can understand them.

The book is in the finishing stages and is on track for release but unfortunately I have had a dramatic relapse in mental health with regards to my anxiety and depression through personal events that were unforeseen until I came home from finishing my first year at BCU.

The reason why I want to postpone the release is because I don’t feel like I am well enough to do my best promotional work while I seek the medical attention I require.

I also have become more aware that I have slacked off with my blogging so I will do the best I can to pick it back up again and hopefully I will have a new release date for you soon.

Thank you!