That’s right, I’m returning to this topic again. Mainly because the fear of infertility has hit me hard over the past few weeks with family and friends announcing pregnancies and in some cases, some very unfortunate miscarriages.
As I’m sure I have mentioned before, children were always a part of my future plans and always will be which is why I feel like I don’t belong in any man’s future (read more here). There are obvious reasons why this fear is so prominent in my life from issues I have with my own body or my family’s expectations of me.
I’m so disappointed in my own body that I don’t feel very womanly at times. – This is a very brutal opinion to hold over yourself and it isn’t made easier by comments from friends and family, asking if you’re transgender because you produce more male hormones than you should.
The whole hormone thing is a factor but it isn’t all that is wrong with the view I have of my own body. I have always wanted to be a mother, ever since the first time I held a baby Annabelle doll as a child. I’ve always wanted to have a family that will be better than the dysfunctional household that I was born into. When I found out I had PCOS… my hopes had gone.
There were always two things I wanted to be in life, a writer, and a mother. I’m already doing the writing thing, I just need the babies. I had always wanted to be a mother of three and now I feel as though I would be lucky if I even had one.
The reason why PCOS has destroyed the way I view my body as a woman is because I see that my body doesn’t function in the same way as a “normal” woman. I feel like less of a woman because I can’t carry children, which for some reason my head tells me that I am meant to do. Women with PCOS are more than likely to have miscarriages, with the rate being at 45-50% whereas women without the condition have the rate of 15-25%. PCOS is also the most common cause of infertility in women.
The way I see it my life can one of two ways: My mother had her own two children (including me, YEY!), naturally but my Auntie was not so fortunate, as she was unable to have children and later became a foster carer.
My mother’s story gives me hope but I could go the path that my Auntie’s life took which would disappoint me greatly. It’s not that I wouldn’t love an adopted or foster child any differently, it’s the fact that I would never go through pregnancy. I want to know how it feels with a bump.
I do get very bad “bump envy” when I see those posts on my facebook feed.
I know there is still hope for me, I just need happy thoughts and a sprinkle of baby dust.