Since I seem to be doing some very personal posts… I thought I’d open up about this time in my life where I seem to be between everything and seem to have no idea where I belong or what I’m doing. I’m just existing.
I don’t know where I belong anymore. In September, this year, I made a huge decision to come to Birmingham for university and over the past few months I have met some amazing people and I don’t regret moving here at all. I know I am happy here – even if I do get homesick from time to time. So does everyone, right? Well, over Halloween weekend I visited everyone in Sunderland for the first time since the big move to Brum and well… I couldn’t get much sleep in my new room and everywhere seemed as though it had changed. Some of my family and friends didn’t know what to say or how to act around me, which is silly because yes, I did move but I’m still the same girl who left in September. I was there for about five days and since coming back I just feel like I don’t belong in either place but I know that I want to be at the university here. If I did drop out, I would only regret it later.
I don’t seem to fit into any man’s future. I have PCOS as I have gone into in previous posts and will continue in a series of posts that I am titling… “PCOS Uncensored”. This is something I have been struggling to get my head around for over a year now. I have wanted children my whole life, even since childhood when I used to play with baby dolls, I knew I wanted to grow up and have a family of my own. Since my diagnosis, I don’t know where I stand with myself anymore. I feel like less of a woman because of the excess hair growth and my spike in male hormones. The fear of infertility is also very real. I don’t feel like I have a future with any man because of my struggle for fertility. I can’t be with a man who wants children because I might not be able to have them but I also can’t be with a man who doesn’t want children because I do want them. It’s just a big, complicated mess.
I don’t know why I’m so angry and upset all the time. This issue has been bothering me for weeks. I don’t feel like I’m being myself at the moment. I’ve just recently got into a new relationship and they are meant to be happy times but it’s been arguments all the time. I don’t understand why. I’m usually so happy and head over heels when I’m with someone but this all feels so rushed that I don’t know how to feel. I know that we have happy times and I do want to be with him but all the arguments seem to point to an inevitable end.
So I guess I’m a little lost in my life right now but I’ll figure it all out one way or another. I think I just need to take time to sit back and evaluate everything that is going on in my life and see why I’m unhappy and what I can do about it…